I have had this occur to me recently and it appears I should explain my stance on this. First off for the emailer who wanted to send me a book to read thank you so much in advance, I really do appreciate your kindness and time to take out to send that request however I already have the title in question and will let you enjoy the book yourself.
Now on gifts, I can not accept them, almost ever. The reason for this is my parents. When you are a child you often get a gift for your birthday or holiday and get super excited that you have the object that you acquired. After a multitude of thank yous to the giver you go and enjoy your gift and are generally happy with whatever you received. How you might ask did my parents screw this up?
Well what would happen is that for every gift I ever got as a child it would always come with a catch, either doing additional chores, taking time out to help them with computer issues, to downright paying them money for whatever they gave me. This string attachment got so bad that I came to the point where I would literally refuse presents from them.
In High School for getting As on my report card they attempted to go and take me out to dinner and movies to celebrate, I made up an excuse I was not interested and my sister went instead. Exactly two weeks later "Hey (sister name) you need to come down and clean the kitchen remember we took you out to see the movie and now it is time for you to pay back."
Now as for giving gifts I am amazing at it. The amount of care I take into giving a good gift sometimes baffles people to the point they are generally amazed that I could do this. Now I used to give great gifts to my parents for Christmas, giving them a new desktop and a TiVo when they were in their heyday, however the only thing I would get back would be a shaving kit and packages of socks and underwear. When they even flat out told me that I do not give them good gifts I point to those and tell them that you gave me shitty gifts when I gave you amazing ones in the past, you are not cheating me out of the money again.
So if I call you a friend, be advised I will attempt to go and give you something amazing that you can use and take advantage of because it is a small thank you for being a close friend or someone who genuinely cares about me. If I give you a shitty present...there is most likely a reason for that and if I have to spell it out to you....well you are not paying attention.
Oh by the way the shittiest gift is always gift card to a big box store, if you get that it is nothing more then a slap in the face to the person you are giving it to saying "here is a card that will force you to go to a store you (usually) do not shop at and pick something yourself." There are some good gift cards to give, but that is for another time.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Coldguy on Emptiness
This one is going to be a bit somber, just giving the warning now. Lately I have been a tad...empty and my feelings are more then a tad emotional on twitter. I have come to the realization recently and it is hard to get over it. For those who do not know I have been working in IT for over 6 years, I went to school to work on IT, and have been in several companies ranging from giant mega corporations to small independent shops. I have been trying to find a new job that would increase my salary and be more acceptable to have a somewhat normal schedule (sorry guys I need to go to bed 3 PM is past my bedtime).
In the months of stealthy searching (do not tip your hat until you 100% know what is going on) I think I might have found the place, it would be M-F during the day, I would work in Sys Admin/Help Desk and the benefits from my understanding would be up to par. The only problem is that I may need to take a pay cut in order to get the job.
Now I have been told before in the past that after X months I would be evaluated and the potential for a raise would occur, my current job told me this when I was hired and 12 months would reward me for my efforts. Needless to say they are over 16 months late on this.
So here I am, thinking about leaving a quiet 3rd shift job to essentially get a job 1st shift doing more things at less money. At this point my head just went and snapped and realized that I need to get out of here. Not just out of the company but out of the industry itself.
I joked about having a Midlife crisis at 25 however from the looks of things, this is a midlife crisis. Questioning the decisions you made in the past that you chose to ensure a successful life. I enjoy working with computers, and wanted to be a sys admin for a medium sized company, however in my IT workings all I ever had was entry level with a little stint at manager before the contract got torn apart (screw you India outsourcing places, not the people working there but the companies using them).
So at this point I came to the fact that I am going to be stuck in entry level hell with little to no chance to actually move on the place I want to go, so now what do I do? I can not afford an apartment on my own, I am scraping by paying the bills, getting gas in my car and food is difficult at times, I am breaking even and living paycheck to paycheck sucks balls. I just don't have the drive I once did in this industry to succeed.
So this emptiness has enveloped in me, I did some searching and found a few things that simply filled me with enjoyment while working
In the months of stealthy searching (do not tip your hat until you 100% know what is going on) I think I might have found the place, it would be M-F during the day, I would work in Sys Admin/Help Desk and the benefits from my understanding would be up to par. The only problem is that I may need to take a pay cut in order to get the job.
Now I have been told before in the past that after X months I would be evaluated and the potential for a raise would occur, my current job told me this when I was hired and 12 months would reward me for my efforts. Needless to say they are over 16 months late on this.
So here I am, thinking about leaving a quiet 3rd shift job to essentially get a job 1st shift doing more things at less money. At this point my head just went and snapped and realized that I need to get out of here. Not just out of the company but out of the industry itself.
I joked about having a Midlife crisis at 25 however from the looks of things, this is a midlife crisis. Questioning the decisions you made in the past that you chose to ensure a successful life. I enjoy working with computers, and wanted to be a sys admin for a medium sized company, however in my IT workings all I ever had was entry level with a little stint at manager before the contract got torn apart (screw you India outsourcing places, not the people working there but the companies using them).
So at this point I came to the fact that I am going to be stuck in entry level hell with little to no chance to actually move on the place I want to go, so now what do I do? I can not afford an apartment on my own, I am scraping by paying the bills, getting gas in my car and food is difficult at times, I am breaking even and living paycheck to paycheck sucks balls. I just don't have the drive I once did in this industry to succeed.
So this emptiness has enveloped in me, I did some searching and found a few things that simply filled me with enjoyment while working
- Reading Books
- Writing Book Reviews
- Creating stories/environments
- Encouraging debates on various subjects
- Analyzing Video Games (not merely playing them)
- Discovering Music
- Playing Board Games
From the information I gathered I found that a happy job that would encompass all these things would be a writer for a video game based company, and the means to get into the industry is one that is simple enough to take place. The IGDA has chapter meetings around the world and my local branch would allow anyone to attend its meetings and then using my social skills try to network with people to see if I can get a foot in the door in testing and work my way up.
If I were to go this route however I would essentially be throwing away the majority of my degree and 6 years of professional experience to work on a dream and an opportunity that will most likely pay less then what my bills allow me to have. So I am at an impass, either stick with the grind and hope this company will make due on what they say, or be prepare to network and potentially move across country for an opportunity to satisfy me.
Damn it life why are you so complicated?
Monday, April 4, 2011
Coldguy on Streaming
I wasn't intending to write this tonight but I recently received a message from LK stating that I was no longer allowed to be voiced in his stream. At first I was a tad shocked on this manner since to me it came out of left field however due to his reasons I can understand why he feels the need to do this. It is after all his stream and if he wants to go and set ground rules then that is fine. I mean if I were to come to your house and did not follow your rules that would be rude of me.
However the more I got into thinking of this manner the more I realized that as of late I tended to be the problem with various online avenues. I mean don't get me wrong I don't INTEND on being a jerk to anyone, but am I acting like a jerk?
Maybe a little explanation is in order.
When I go and stream or do something where I am putting myself online I try to be as lax and calm as can be. Sure there are times where I am not in a good mood and need to get things off my chest, but overall I try to be nice. My goal is to chat with the people of the chat room and talk about various things that may or may not be relevant. Essentially I am shooting the shit as they say.
During that time I may go and tell jokes, talk to other people, and answer questions honestly. All in all I try to have a good time on streams and for the most part people seem to enjoy that. I do not go into a stream with a mission to plug something or to sell myself or to ask favors for anyone, I just go in and have a conversation and let it take me where it needs to go.
This message recently had something in it that I was confused over and was wondering if it is true. I was "monopolizing" the conversation on the stream to the point where people were complaining. In my conversation I try to include everyone in the conversation from the people who are also streaming to the people in the chat room, so when the word "monopolizing" comes into play I need to tilt my head and beg the question on whether or not I did that.
I mean I do not INTEND on taking over the conversation and just have general chit chat, but I am smart enough to know that maybe I am doing such a thing subconsciously. As far as I have been aware of people enjoyed talking to me to the point where I actually was invited into a stream after posting a message saying that I was depressed on twitter.
Was that it?
I mean I was invited into a stream feeling like shit after coming to the realization that I am in some debt and needing to find a way to go and pay it off in full, I was emotional at the time and was talking from the hip, however I was invited to share that information and got great support from an emotional time.
Was it all of the My Little Pony talk? In a chat room that will often talk about disturbing images and discussions my little pony was my joke of saying. "Oh yea that may be disturbing but a kids show about ponys will make you want to be happy and positive." It was my little jab to make the conversation into something more positive.
Was it the fact that sometimes if I was playing a game I would say "if you want to watch me play the game hop on my stream" in no way I meant that as a self promotion, more or less saying that if you want to see what I was doing, and since the video is going to be nothing more then a desktop image to have an addendum to the chat itself. I understand if you hear me getting frustrated but have no context as to why, I was trying to allow you an avenue to see why.
Was it the fact that I sometimes streamed live concert footage from indie bands? Ok I admit that most likely was the main issue, however I tended to go and pick non signed artists and when the notice was in effect of the RIAA issues on the stream I stopped that immediately to avoid getting LK in trouble. See the station of its your house and I follow your rules statement.
So in short, if you want to see me stream follow my twitter or my >Stream page and I be happy to talk to you when I am going to stream. If I caused you any issues for streaming late night/early morning I would like to say sorry for that. My intent was simply to have fun and if I did not make you have fun I simply did not do my job. If you actually want to voice a complaint please feel free to make a comment so that I can address it and ensure that it does not happen again.
I once was sad but feel a little better getting that off my chest, so until next time take care.
However the more I got into thinking of this manner the more I realized that as of late I tended to be the problem with various online avenues. I mean don't get me wrong I don't INTEND on being a jerk to anyone, but am I acting like a jerk?
Maybe a little explanation is in order.
When I go and stream or do something where I am putting myself online I try to be as lax and calm as can be. Sure there are times where I am not in a good mood and need to get things off my chest, but overall I try to be nice. My goal is to chat with the people of the chat room and talk about various things that may or may not be relevant. Essentially I am shooting the shit as they say.
During that time I may go and tell jokes, talk to other people, and answer questions honestly. All in all I try to have a good time on streams and for the most part people seem to enjoy that. I do not go into a stream with a mission to plug something or to sell myself or to ask favors for anyone, I just go in and have a conversation and let it take me where it needs to go.
This message recently had something in it that I was confused over and was wondering if it is true. I was "monopolizing" the conversation on the stream to the point where people were complaining. In my conversation I try to include everyone in the conversation from the people who are also streaming to the people in the chat room, so when the word "monopolizing" comes into play I need to tilt my head and beg the question on whether or not I did that.
I mean I do not INTEND on taking over the conversation and just have general chit chat, but I am smart enough to know that maybe I am doing such a thing subconsciously. As far as I have been aware of people enjoyed talking to me to the point where I actually was invited into a stream after posting a message saying that I was depressed on twitter.
Was that it?
I mean I was invited into a stream feeling like shit after coming to the realization that I am in some debt and needing to find a way to go and pay it off in full, I was emotional at the time and was talking from the hip, however I was invited to share that information and got great support from an emotional time.
Was it all of the My Little Pony talk? In a chat room that will often talk about disturbing images and discussions my little pony was my joke of saying. "Oh yea that may be disturbing but a kids show about ponys will make you want to be happy and positive." It was my little jab to make the conversation into something more positive.
Was it the fact that sometimes if I was playing a game I would say "if you want to watch me play the game hop on my stream" in no way I meant that as a self promotion, more or less saying that if you want to see what I was doing, and since the video is going to be nothing more then a desktop image to have an addendum to the chat itself. I understand if you hear me getting frustrated but have no context as to why, I was trying to allow you an avenue to see why.
Was it the fact that I sometimes streamed live concert footage from indie bands? Ok I admit that most likely was the main issue, however I tended to go and pick non signed artists and when the notice was in effect of the RIAA issues on the stream I stopped that immediately to avoid getting LK in trouble. See the station of its your house and I follow your rules statement.
So in short, if you want to see me stream follow my twitter or my >Stream page and I be happy to talk to you when I am going to stream. If I caused you any issues for streaming late night/early morning I would like to say sorry for that. My intent was simply to have fun and if I did not make you have fun I simply did not do my job. If you actually want to voice a complaint please feel free to make a comment so that I can address it and ensure that it does not happen again.
I once was sad but feel a little better getting that off my chest, so until next time take care.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Coldguy on Trains
Ok so this isn't a super serious post but recently did something that you may or may not have done yourself so let's share my first with you all. I went to PAX, in Boston, and had an awesome time. I was tempted to go and use my car to drive 6+ hours to the venue only to realize that I would be driving into NYC in the middle of the busiest rush our traffic.
Yea...
So instead I chose another mode of transportation, the train. Now couple things about the train I did not know and might be helpful for you to know.
1) The Acella Express is not worth it. For an additional $150 I could be at my destination in an hour and a half less time, however add that to the price of the train and it would be the same as a plane in a longer amount of time. So unless you really need to get there or are a business person avoid this train.
2) Security is awesome. I literally showed my ticket and got on the train, no scanners, no probes, no x-ray machines, just a dog sniffing my bag and moving on. So if you do not like the tsa, these people are cool.
3) No need to reserve your ticket at all. Trains are big, really big, and they almost never get full. So if you are not sure of exactly what time you are going to leave its cool. Go to the ticket counter tell them where you want to go and they give you the option, it is quick and easy to do.
4) First class is for laptops. This might sound odd, but the perks of first class and coach isn't that big of a deal. The only difference is a foot stool, extra leg room, blinds for your windows and having a conductor tell you what the next stop is rather a giant loud speaker. So if you have a laptop and intend on working on it for the duration of your trip then first class is for you, otherwise stick to coach.
5) The food court is your friend. The food court is so close to the gates that it is very nice, so take advantage of this fact and load up before going on the train for the ride. If you eat on the cafe cart it will be both overpriced and not good to eat. There is enough of a variety for you to go and eat several good meals, use this to your advantage.
6) Park away from the station. Overnight parking was between $25-$32 a day, if you are smart take advantage of the fact that the majority of connecting cities have regional lines that will take you directly to the main train hub. Use this since parking overnight is by far the cheaper alternative, or better yet arrange to be picked up or dropped off.
7) You will not sleep on the train. Unless you have earplugs, a eye mask and drugs that will knock you out, the train has so many bumps in the tracks that will make you not feel at all that you are having a smooth ride and will not get in a conformable position in either first class or coach to get some rest.
8) There is no AC. Unlike planes you do not have a small AC vent to keep you col and you will sweat a lot, bring a battery powered fan to keep yourself cool and relaxed.
Those are my thoughts on riding the train. Will I do it again? Most likely yes since I am close enough to several train stations to take me to a major station that goes up and down the East Coast. So if I were to travel to Boston or DC this would be a viable option. Else where and then I am looking into another mode of transportation.
Yea...
So instead I chose another mode of transportation, the train. Now couple things about the train I did not know and might be helpful for you to know.
1) The Acella Express is not worth it. For an additional $150 I could be at my destination in an hour and a half less time, however add that to the price of the train and it would be the same as a plane in a longer amount of time. So unless you really need to get there or are a business person avoid this train.
2) Security is awesome. I literally showed my ticket and got on the train, no scanners, no probes, no x-ray machines, just a dog sniffing my bag and moving on. So if you do not like the tsa, these people are cool.
3) No need to reserve your ticket at all. Trains are big, really big, and they almost never get full. So if you are not sure of exactly what time you are going to leave its cool. Go to the ticket counter tell them where you want to go and they give you the option, it is quick and easy to do.
4) First class is for laptops. This might sound odd, but the perks of first class and coach isn't that big of a deal. The only difference is a foot stool, extra leg room, blinds for your windows and having a conductor tell you what the next stop is rather a giant loud speaker. So if you have a laptop and intend on working on it for the duration of your trip then first class is for you, otherwise stick to coach.
5) The food court is your friend. The food court is so close to the gates that it is very nice, so take advantage of this fact and load up before going on the train for the ride. If you eat on the cafe cart it will be both overpriced and not good to eat. There is enough of a variety for you to go and eat several good meals, use this to your advantage.
6) Park away from the station. Overnight parking was between $25-$32 a day, if you are smart take advantage of the fact that the majority of connecting cities have regional lines that will take you directly to the main train hub. Use this since parking overnight is by far the cheaper alternative, or better yet arrange to be picked up or dropped off.
7) You will not sleep on the train. Unless you have earplugs, a eye mask and drugs that will knock you out, the train has so many bumps in the tracks that will make you not feel at all that you are having a smooth ride and will not get in a conformable position in either first class or coach to get some rest.
8) There is no AC. Unlike planes you do not have a small AC vent to keep you col and you will sweat a lot, bring a battery powered fan to keep yourself cool and relaxed.
Those are my thoughts on riding the train. Will I do it again? Most likely yes since I am close enough to several train stations to take me to a major station that goes up and down the East Coast. So if I were to travel to Boston or DC this would be a viable option. Else where and then I am looking into another mode of transportation.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Coldguy on Health
Hello again, first off I would like to say sorry to those I came off to as unusual for the past week or so lately I have been receiving messages and have had things done that I would not normally do and would like to apologize from the start.
So what happened?
Well ever since MAGfest this past January I have been a wreck body wise. Yes I am not in the pristine shape that many people would consider healthy but I am actively working on changing that (more on that later). So the biggest issue I have been having is stomach aches. Not your typical take some pepto bismol to make it go away kind, I mean pass out while stand oh god this pain feels bad.
As you can imagine I first tried to go and tough it out hoping it is temporary, however it was not not the case. So as you might imagine I then went to the Doctor. Doctor and I have had some issues in the past namely in respect with my parents. My Mom did not like the Doctor growing up some whenever I went for a checkup or a visit it was to the point answers to every question. Tell him or her what is wrong, be as descriptive as possible so that we can get medication and get out.
Needless to say as a kid it is hard to describe how you were feeling to an adult for the simple manner your vocabulary and your body had a different definition to go off of. When I have gotten older and discovered the power of WebMD I could get some definitions for these feelings, and also get scared for the threat of cancer.
So, I go to the doc, tell him what is wrong and he gives me some medication. First one did not do anything, the second one made me throw up...constantly, the third one made me fall asleep for 12 hours and not get me rest, and this forth one did the trick.
Thinking to myself "yay it is fixed after trial an error I can go on and be merry and live life again." Well...not quite. One of the side effects of the drug, which many people pointed out to me was depression and anxiety. Hoo boy I had those in spades and did not realize it, my motivation at work was not to get fired while at home not having the inspiration to do anything but sulk on the past and keep me from my duties at hand.
It did not hit me until a series of events and self reflections up until today that I was even acting this way until I pieced it together. For the record I rather go and have a bad stomach than a bad personality to you all. I called the doctor and he told me I could either take more medicine that is expensive and not covered, or try to do this cold turkey.
I am not an active guy, I have people that care for and support as much as I can as well as a stressful burden with family. I want to get better, I would like to wave a wand and simply make all of this go away so that I can enjoy life as much as I can. I think my body was trying to tell me a message all this time to calm down and take more of a break instead of being an AppleJack with everyone.
All in all I am trying to get better both physically and more importantly mentally there are going to be some roadblocks in the process and I am going to try my best to get through them as fast as possible. Who knows, I may share a tip or two on here about the recovery as for now I have laundry to do and need to finish that up.
So what happened?
Well ever since MAGfest this past January I have been a wreck body wise. Yes I am not in the pristine shape that many people would consider healthy but I am actively working on changing that (more on that later). So the biggest issue I have been having is stomach aches. Not your typical take some pepto bismol to make it go away kind, I mean pass out while stand oh god this pain feels bad.
As you can imagine I first tried to go and tough it out hoping it is temporary, however it was not not the case. So as you might imagine I then went to the Doctor. Doctor and I have had some issues in the past namely in respect with my parents. My Mom did not like the Doctor growing up some whenever I went for a checkup or a visit it was to the point answers to every question. Tell him or her what is wrong, be as descriptive as possible so that we can get medication and get out.
Needless to say as a kid it is hard to describe how you were feeling to an adult for the simple manner your vocabulary and your body had a different definition to go off of. When I have gotten older and discovered the power of WebMD I could get some definitions for these feelings, and also get scared for the threat of cancer.
So, I go to the doc, tell him what is wrong and he gives me some medication. First one did not do anything, the second one made me throw up...constantly, the third one made me fall asleep for 12 hours and not get me rest, and this forth one did the trick.
Thinking to myself "yay it is fixed after trial an error I can go on and be merry and live life again." Well...not quite. One of the side effects of the drug, which many people pointed out to me was depression and anxiety. Hoo boy I had those in spades and did not realize it, my motivation at work was not to get fired while at home not having the inspiration to do anything but sulk on the past and keep me from my duties at hand.
It did not hit me until a series of events and self reflections up until today that I was even acting this way until I pieced it together. For the record I rather go and have a bad stomach than a bad personality to you all. I called the doctor and he told me I could either take more medicine that is expensive and not covered, or try to do this cold turkey.
I am not an active guy, I have people that care for and support as much as I can as well as a stressful burden with family. I want to get better, I would like to wave a wand and simply make all of this go away so that I can enjoy life as much as I can. I think my body was trying to tell me a message all this time to calm down and take more of a break instead of being an AppleJack with everyone.
All in all I am trying to get better both physically and more importantly mentally there are going to be some roadblocks in the process and I am going to try my best to get through them as fast as possible. Who knows, I may share a tip or two on here about the recovery as for now I have laundry to do and need to finish that up.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Coldguy on Friendship
Hello everyone, thought I try something different here on more of a self reflection blog where I talk about myself. Since the topic is me I should point out it may border the ego when being self reflective however I hope I can tell you things about myself that can either give you a better understanding about me or just let you know what makes me tick.
So to kick things off I should talk about something that people have been asking me a lot about as of late, friendship. Now I am going to assume that in some shape or another you have a friend (possibly many friends) and to simply go as far as saying that friends are good is something that I can skip. If for some reason you do not have a friend and are seeking one out, then allow me to extend an invitation for me to be your friend by simply reading my thoughts. So congratulations friendship +1 to you.
As of late people have been noticing that I have been appearing on various streams where I pop my head in and chit chat with people, something to comedic effect and other times to talk about serious things. All in all I tend to try to keep the conversation going and have a positive outlook on life and share stories that may or may not effect the other person. If I can inspire them to go over a personal hurtle then I have achieved my goal, because I like to help people.
In the past many people that I talk to I have kept them away from me, at arm's length if you will due to another facet of myself that I will get into later, for the simple fact of the key element of what (in my book) makes you go from a person that I am friendly with, to an actual friend, and that is trust.
One thing I like to pride myself upon is to never judge a person at first glance to be bold and except the new person as what they are. I will be friendly to you but that does not expound a friendship, that is achieved by gaining trust from over time. If I can trust in you over the length of a period of time then I will call you a friend.
The one thing that often gets me in trouble with this mantra is trusting people too easily. Many people have told me I am too gullible with the harsh reality of the world being a self support nature of "assholes". I meet many an asshole, and considered some of them friends up until the point they have crossed me. The could be the worst feeling I have ever felt before with people. Giving someone the trust and my friendship until only to have that squandered in a mocking sense that still hurts me to this day. Many people would go nuts and be leery to other people since if it happens twice it is a shame on you mentality.
I have been burned a total of 4 times, to the point where I sometimes cry to sleep thinking about them.
Why do I act friendly to all of you even when my heart was crushed so many times? Well in my favorite story in my favorite book, Whinesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, he changed my life with a simple message. The story is simply known as Tandy and it is about a girl and a homeless man meeting one another, the girl was sad due to the passing of a friend and was not sure what she wanted to do. The homeless man told her that it is one thing to go and show love to a person, it is another to accept the love from them back. At which point she busted into tears and having no name decided to name herself Tandy, a substance that is both solid and malleable to contort to any sized container that it was placed in.
Even when I fell the saddest of sad, I have to tell myself I need to go and start molding myself into a different container.
Life sucks at times, however that should not stop you from enjoying the pleasures that it has given. Once you are able to achieve this, find all the comfy nooks to squeeze into, you will be able to tackle through anything. Sometimes you may need a hand or two to pull you in the right direction, and that is what friends are for.
Like I mentioned in earlier I have been burned at times, but otherwise I go and have my friends close to me and willing to give them support in any way possible. I have given gifts of money, of advise, of love, and of spirit to them when they need it. Without my friends I would have no real rational outlet for myself and if you are my friend just remember that I truly do care for you and be willing to run into a wall if that is something that you needed me to do. So until next time, take care and have a wonderful day.
So to kick things off I should talk about something that people have been asking me a lot about as of late, friendship. Now I am going to assume that in some shape or another you have a friend (possibly many friends) and to simply go as far as saying that friends are good is something that I can skip. If for some reason you do not have a friend and are seeking one out, then allow me to extend an invitation for me to be your friend by simply reading my thoughts. So congratulations friendship +1 to you.
As of late people have been noticing that I have been appearing on various streams where I pop my head in and chit chat with people, something to comedic effect and other times to talk about serious things. All in all I tend to try to keep the conversation going and have a positive outlook on life and share stories that may or may not effect the other person. If I can inspire them to go over a personal hurtle then I have achieved my goal, because I like to help people.
In the past many people that I talk to I have kept them away from me, at arm's length if you will due to another facet of myself that I will get into later, for the simple fact of the key element of what (in my book) makes you go from a person that I am friendly with, to an actual friend, and that is trust.
One thing I like to pride myself upon is to never judge a person at first glance to be bold and except the new person as what they are. I will be friendly to you but that does not expound a friendship, that is achieved by gaining trust from over time. If I can trust in you over the length of a period of time then I will call you a friend.
The one thing that often gets me in trouble with this mantra is trusting people too easily. Many people have told me I am too gullible with the harsh reality of the world being a self support nature of "assholes". I meet many an asshole, and considered some of them friends up until the point they have crossed me. The could be the worst feeling I have ever felt before with people. Giving someone the trust and my friendship until only to have that squandered in a mocking sense that still hurts me to this day. Many people would go nuts and be leery to other people since if it happens twice it is a shame on you mentality.
I have been burned a total of 4 times, to the point where I sometimes cry to sleep thinking about them.
Why do I act friendly to all of you even when my heart was crushed so many times? Well in my favorite story in my favorite book, Whinesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, he changed my life with a simple message. The story is simply known as Tandy and it is about a girl and a homeless man meeting one another, the girl was sad due to the passing of a friend and was not sure what she wanted to do. The homeless man told her that it is one thing to go and show love to a person, it is another to accept the love from them back. At which point she busted into tears and having no name decided to name herself Tandy, a substance that is both solid and malleable to contort to any sized container that it was placed in.
Even when I fell the saddest of sad, I have to tell myself I need to go and start molding myself into a different container.
Life sucks at times, however that should not stop you from enjoying the pleasures that it has given. Once you are able to achieve this, find all the comfy nooks to squeeze into, you will be able to tackle through anything. Sometimes you may need a hand or two to pull you in the right direction, and that is what friends are for.
Like I mentioned in earlier I have been burned at times, but otherwise I go and have my friends close to me and willing to give them support in any way possible. I have given gifts of money, of advise, of love, and of spirit to them when they need it. Without my friends I would have no real rational outlet for myself and if you are my friend just remember that I truly do care for you and be willing to run into a wall if that is something that you needed me to do. So until next time, take care and have a wonderful day.
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