Hello again, first off I would like to say sorry to those I came off to as unusual for the past week or so lately I have been receiving messages and have had things done that I would not normally do and would like to apologize from the start.
So what happened?
Well ever since MAGfest this past January I have been a wreck body wise. Yes I am not in the pristine shape that many people would consider healthy but I am actively working on changing that (more on that later). So the biggest issue I have been having is stomach aches. Not your typical take some pepto bismol to make it go away kind, I mean pass out while stand oh god this pain feels bad.
As you can imagine I first tried to go and tough it out hoping it is temporary, however it was not not the case. So as you might imagine I then went to the Doctor. Doctor and I have had some issues in the past namely in respect with my parents. My Mom did not like the Doctor growing up some whenever I went for a checkup or a visit it was to the point answers to every question. Tell him or her what is wrong, be as descriptive as possible so that we can get medication and get out.
Needless to say as a kid it is hard to describe how you were feeling to an adult for the simple manner your vocabulary and your body had a different definition to go off of. When I have gotten older and discovered the power of WebMD I could get some definitions for these feelings, and also get scared for the threat of cancer.
So, I go to the doc, tell him what is wrong and he gives me some medication. First one did not do anything, the second one made me throw up...constantly, the third one made me fall asleep for 12 hours and not get me rest, and this forth one did the trick.
Thinking to myself "yay it is fixed after trial an error I can go on and be merry and live life again." Well...not quite. One of the side effects of the drug, which many people pointed out to me was depression and anxiety. Hoo boy I had those in spades and did not realize it, my motivation at work was not to get fired while at home not having the inspiration to do anything but sulk on the past and keep me from my duties at hand.
It did not hit me until a series of events and self reflections up until today that I was even acting this way until I pieced it together. For the record I rather go and have a bad stomach than a bad personality to you all. I called the doctor and he told me I could either take more medicine that is expensive and not covered, or try to do this cold turkey.
I am not an active guy, I have people that care for and support as much as I can as well as a stressful burden with family. I want to get better, I would like to wave a wand and simply make all of this go away so that I can enjoy life as much as I can. I think my body was trying to tell me a message all this time to calm down and take more of a break instead of being an AppleJack with everyone.
All in all I am trying to get better both physically and more importantly mentally there are going to be some roadblocks in the process and I am going to try my best to get through them as fast as possible. Who knows, I may share a tip or two on here about the recovery as for now I have laundry to do and need to finish that up.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Coldguy on Friendship
Hello everyone, thought I try something different here on more of a self reflection blog where I talk about myself. Since the topic is me I should point out it may border the ego when being self reflective however I hope I can tell you things about myself that can either give you a better understanding about me or just let you know what makes me tick.
So to kick things off I should talk about something that people have been asking me a lot about as of late, friendship. Now I am going to assume that in some shape or another you have a friend (possibly many friends) and to simply go as far as saying that friends are good is something that I can skip. If for some reason you do not have a friend and are seeking one out, then allow me to extend an invitation for me to be your friend by simply reading my thoughts. So congratulations friendship +1 to you.
As of late people have been noticing that I have been appearing on various streams where I pop my head in and chit chat with people, something to comedic effect and other times to talk about serious things. All in all I tend to try to keep the conversation going and have a positive outlook on life and share stories that may or may not effect the other person. If I can inspire them to go over a personal hurtle then I have achieved my goal, because I like to help people.
In the past many people that I talk to I have kept them away from me, at arm's length if you will due to another facet of myself that I will get into later, for the simple fact of the key element of what (in my book) makes you go from a person that I am friendly with, to an actual friend, and that is trust.
One thing I like to pride myself upon is to never judge a person at first glance to be bold and except the new person as what they are. I will be friendly to you but that does not expound a friendship, that is achieved by gaining trust from over time. If I can trust in you over the length of a period of time then I will call you a friend.
The one thing that often gets me in trouble with this mantra is trusting people too easily. Many people have told me I am too gullible with the harsh reality of the world being a self support nature of "assholes". I meet many an asshole, and considered some of them friends up until the point they have crossed me. The could be the worst feeling I have ever felt before with people. Giving someone the trust and my friendship until only to have that squandered in a mocking sense that still hurts me to this day. Many people would go nuts and be leery to other people since if it happens twice it is a shame on you mentality.
I have been burned a total of 4 times, to the point where I sometimes cry to sleep thinking about them.
Why do I act friendly to all of you even when my heart was crushed so many times? Well in my favorite story in my favorite book, Whinesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, he changed my life with a simple message. The story is simply known as Tandy and it is about a girl and a homeless man meeting one another, the girl was sad due to the passing of a friend and was not sure what she wanted to do. The homeless man told her that it is one thing to go and show love to a person, it is another to accept the love from them back. At which point she busted into tears and having no name decided to name herself Tandy, a substance that is both solid and malleable to contort to any sized container that it was placed in.
Even when I fell the saddest of sad, I have to tell myself I need to go and start molding myself into a different container.
Life sucks at times, however that should not stop you from enjoying the pleasures that it has given. Once you are able to achieve this, find all the comfy nooks to squeeze into, you will be able to tackle through anything. Sometimes you may need a hand or two to pull you in the right direction, and that is what friends are for.
Like I mentioned in earlier I have been burned at times, but otherwise I go and have my friends close to me and willing to give them support in any way possible. I have given gifts of money, of advise, of love, and of spirit to them when they need it. Without my friends I would have no real rational outlet for myself and if you are my friend just remember that I truly do care for you and be willing to run into a wall if that is something that you needed me to do. So until next time, take care and have a wonderful day.
So to kick things off I should talk about something that people have been asking me a lot about as of late, friendship. Now I am going to assume that in some shape or another you have a friend (possibly many friends) and to simply go as far as saying that friends are good is something that I can skip. If for some reason you do not have a friend and are seeking one out, then allow me to extend an invitation for me to be your friend by simply reading my thoughts. So congratulations friendship +1 to you.
As of late people have been noticing that I have been appearing on various streams where I pop my head in and chit chat with people, something to comedic effect and other times to talk about serious things. All in all I tend to try to keep the conversation going and have a positive outlook on life and share stories that may or may not effect the other person. If I can inspire them to go over a personal hurtle then I have achieved my goal, because I like to help people.
In the past many people that I talk to I have kept them away from me, at arm's length if you will due to another facet of myself that I will get into later, for the simple fact of the key element of what (in my book) makes you go from a person that I am friendly with, to an actual friend, and that is trust.
One thing I like to pride myself upon is to never judge a person at first glance to be bold and except the new person as what they are. I will be friendly to you but that does not expound a friendship, that is achieved by gaining trust from over time. If I can trust in you over the length of a period of time then I will call you a friend.
The one thing that often gets me in trouble with this mantra is trusting people too easily. Many people have told me I am too gullible with the harsh reality of the world being a self support nature of "assholes". I meet many an asshole, and considered some of them friends up until the point they have crossed me. The could be the worst feeling I have ever felt before with people. Giving someone the trust and my friendship until only to have that squandered in a mocking sense that still hurts me to this day. Many people would go nuts and be leery to other people since if it happens twice it is a shame on you mentality.
I have been burned a total of 4 times, to the point where I sometimes cry to sleep thinking about them.
Why do I act friendly to all of you even when my heart was crushed so many times? Well in my favorite story in my favorite book, Whinesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, he changed my life with a simple message. The story is simply known as Tandy and it is about a girl and a homeless man meeting one another, the girl was sad due to the passing of a friend and was not sure what she wanted to do. The homeless man told her that it is one thing to go and show love to a person, it is another to accept the love from them back. At which point she busted into tears and having no name decided to name herself Tandy, a substance that is both solid and malleable to contort to any sized container that it was placed in.
Even when I fell the saddest of sad, I have to tell myself I need to go and start molding myself into a different container.
Life sucks at times, however that should not stop you from enjoying the pleasures that it has given. Once you are able to achieve this, find all the comfy nooks to squeeze into, you will be able to tackle through anything. Sometimes you may need a hand or two to pull you in the right direction, and that is what friends are for.
Like I mentioned in earlier I have been burned at times, but otherwise I go and have my friends close to me and willing to give them support in any way possible. I have given gifts of money, of advise, of love, and of spirit to them when they need it. Without my friends I would have no real rational outlet for myself and if you are my friend just remember that I truly do care for you and be willing to run into a wall if that is something that you needed me to do. So until next time, take care and have a wonderful day.
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